The end of this journey....

I'm sorry to all of you who check this regularly and are wondering what's up. It feels impossible for me to update this with my life right now. So, because of that I have decided to end this part of my journey. Although I still have 7 months left of grad school, this just somehow isn't fitting for me anymore. Thank you for traveling down this road with me reminding me that you are there - it has meant a lot! Should I ever decide to blog again I'll be sure to let you all know :) For now I'll be focusing on school, trauma training, my personal growth, and planning our next Disney adventure!

Couldn't have said it any better...

‎"Some days I am tired of the process, like I should be "done" by now! Sometimes I think that wholeness is over-rated and too much work. But those days are not frequent anymore, and they pass and I remember that I never want to stop growing because the results are so excellent!" Darlene Ouimet from Emerging From Broken



I'm alive folks...just having a hard time getting through trauma trainings, 5 classes, 16 clients per week, and homework...thanks for your patience!

This week....

-the thought of seeing Jason in 3 weeks makes my heart jump with joy...I will say though that these past 32 days without him have flown by thankfully!

-feeling sick at the thought of doing a family geneogram for my marriage and family class...one side of the family, no biggy and has already received their emails...the other side makes me want to run into a hole and never come out...arghhhhh...I may be the first one in this long line of insanity to burst the protective, constricting bubble folks...I feel like I'm going to throw up...

-been fun talking to Margaret about her wedding that she's planning

-speaking of Margaret - 5 of us girls are going to Margaret's family's homestead for the night. It's a super old beautiful farmhouse that has been in the family for 4 generations. Erica and I are hoping not to see any ghosts :)

-I've been REALLY enjoying internship and all that comes with that...I'm strongly understanding what my supervisor meant by "it's been my experience that we get the clients we need" sometimes I think God's playing a sick joke and want to refer them to Erica :)

-I'm loving Yoga and seeing how beneficial this will be in my world after a long day of seeing clients!!

-have a significant less amount of homework this semester, however the 2 and a half days a week at internship are making up for that

-love it that I recognize how my body feels now, hate some of the stuff that comes out or that I realize from that though

-took a leap of faith and He was right there with me the whole time...I stood up for myself and said no for the first damn time in my whole life folks because I knew I was worth more than what was being asked of me! It was super scary but soooooo validating to me and my process!

-am thankful for Nate - my counselor

-I'm longing for a day to sleep in...

-missing my NB peeps

-thankful we were able to bless deserving friends on Friday, moments like this make buying the truck worth it...yes I just said that :)

-wish I had more time for phone catch ups...

-had some awesome BBQ

-did anyone get any wisdom about my future that they'd like to pass along????

-wishing I could meet Mandi and Greg's new little guy Levi...and wishing I could be there to celebrate her 30th birthday :(

-did I mention I love counseling others??

-looking forward to starting a support group for female sex abuse survivors..Erica, myself, and Teresa (one of our profs) are going to lead this group together on campus and incorporate in some expressives!!!

-feeling blessed at times, and loaded with nastiness at other times, all the while wondering what it must feel like to be a balanced person :)

Prayer please....

"As a child you received messages from your family to keep your mouth shut and remain invisible. You also learned to become invisible in order to protect yourself. You no longer need to be invisible to survive. If people do not notice you, they may not abuse you, but they also will not love you or attend to your needs. Make yourself and your needs known.” The Right to Innocence - Beverly Engel

It is with this quote that I will hold my head high and do one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life. Standing up for my needs and what's best for me is almost impossible, but I'm going to do it this afternoon. Prayer please!!!!!

Busy, busy, busy...

- going non-stop for about 13 hours a day 5 days a week is too much for me!
- saying no to friends and fun activities is killing me, but there is no other option
- I LOVE my classes (well except career counseling), and internship despite feeling exhausted
- I'm loving living with Erica. We've now decided to hyphenate our name: Erin and Erica Yutzy-Constable...what do you think :)
- God is playing a trick on me...I decided last semester that I somehow need to pick up on my French again. I secretly thought a conversational partner would be good, but in order for me to be able to swallow my pride I would need to have someone that just learned English speak English, and I would respond in French. Make sense? Well this morning I FINALLY got around to making some muffins. So we decided to bring some down to the guy who moved in downstairs from Africa - as we know I'll do anything for Africans :) So my new friend Abou is from Malawi, and guess what he speaks?? You got it. He wants to start getting together to do exactly what I had been thinking about. Folks I was squirmming and getting sweaty at the though of this. I don't know what my stress is about speaking French, but it's certainly present. Erica thought it was great, in fact Abou was speaking in French, I interpreted in English for Erica, and then responded to him in English. That's rude isn't it? Man oh man! Ok, ok I need to do this - said through gritted teeth of course :)
- too busy to process things that are occurring all the time apparently, you're welcome for that previous blurb
- not too busy to hike a mountain and check out a beautiful view of the Appalachian mountain range....I love the beauty here, but miss the water. Oh and I almost died multiple times on this hike due to lack of oxygen from being out of shape!
- been too busy to post, last thing I want to do when I have a free moment is spend time on the computer
- sorry to all of you who are not getting phone calls from me, Jason is the only one I'm able to get to these days, and even that is sometimes only a quick 10 minute call before my head hits the pillow
- those of you inclined to prayer - please pray that God begins to give me some clarity about after school job stuff, and that my heart will be joyful and excited about whatever that is...oh and if you have any wisdom/clarity/thoughts/whatever about this I certainly welcome that!
- k off to do more homework...hope everyone is well...I love you all and think of you often!!!

Trauma training....

WAS AWESOME! I cannot express enough just how much this training is not only teaching me, but also touching my soul. I won't bore you about all of the details, but I will leave you with this. Friends, if you learn nothing else over my journey these past few years from all of my ramblings that's okay. However, I'm sending an extra prayer up to the Big Guy that something about this quote sticks - especially when you come up against someone who is driving you nuts, and you just don't have the patience for, or they are needy, or whatever (perhaps someone came to mind right now). This was Lisa's, the trainer, third slide in her presentation. It hit me at a deep level, filled my eyes with tears, and made me thank God for all those wonderful survivors that He has and will be placing on my path, and for making me one of these people as well! There is always a person in there NO MATTER WHAT! If some people didn't see this in me along the way I don't know where I'd be now. Thank you to those of you who never gave up on me - and still don't - even when I'm being completely ridiculous!

"If you look at the behavior (of borderlines, those with eating disorders, cutters, or _____) through a traumatic background, it makes perfect sense. If you've been abused for years, your entire organism and personality has been organized around your trauma. The way they act is understandable ...they are people trying to survive!!!!"

Lately I've been....

• wondering why I have the abilities I do in counseling others, but am super thankful I do.
• enjoying spending time with my roomie.
• hating reading again.
• trying to catch up on sleep.
• enjoying vegetarian potlucks with Zac.
• missing Jason like crazy.
• disappointed to discover that I can't come home in November because of school :(
• excited that Jason is coming to see me in less than 5 weeks for 10 days - a crying wife on the phone saying "I can't do this" can make anything happen let me tell you... including getting a boss to add on extra vacation time that one doesn't have.
• thinking about Kitty a lot and wishing she could be here with me.
• not eating out as much.
• working on me, and realizing that I am my own boss, not the other million people that surround me.
• trying to slowly make the switch to some organic products.
• breaking through others' expectations of me and it's been sooooo freeing to be angry about this!
• looking ahead and scaring myself at all there is to do between now and May.
• planning a support group for women sexual abuse survivors on campus that Erica and I will be leading together.
• seeing clients and it's been an energizing experience!
• so busy that I haven't even thought about my upcoming Disney trip in December (with that I just remembered that I need to book a flight from Moncton to DC - I'll be home for one week the first of January folks).
• walking to EMU and not driving since it's only about 10 minutes away.
• loving the space that Erica and I live in and can't wait for Jason to see it.
• not wanting to blog.
• trying to do things for me, and realize just how hard that is for me to pull off.
• enjoying coffee way too much.
• frustrated that my jeans are all too tight - I seriously haven't been able to stop eating since the cruise...it was so worth it though!
• nervous about my upcoming trauma training in Baltimore that starts tomorrow.
• wondering what I was thinking signing up for two yoga classes with Erica and Margaret that begin this week.
• thankful to be me overall. Walking down the street, being thankful to be alive, and surrounded by the beauty I am down here is such a wonderful feeling. I'm going in to a profession that touches me, and energizes me in a way that I can't vocalize and that my friends is great success if I do say so myself!