Wish me luck...

I'm off to my first day of classes.....possibly last time ever if I never go to school again....I'm not sure how I feel about this...anyways... Yes, 9 hours of classes today. I'm sure I'll be exhausted tonight. I'll post more about my journey at some point this week.

We had orientation yesterday, and I will admit it was great to be in the space again. As one of the profs did an introduction and welcome I could feel my eyes filling up with dears. I'm thinking it's going to be another one of "those" semesters :) Also the new class coming in seems great. It's important to our class that we welcome them, and are there for them because we felt like the second year students didn't embrace us and that sucked!

Off I go....I feel like someone should be behind me taking pictures as Erica and I walk to school!

This week I....

• said goodbye to Jason, and that painful moment is still replaying in my mind
• took a different route (other than 95) to head South into Harrisonburg - missed the excitement of NYC, but loved the beauty of New York State and Pennsylvania
• wondered if it ever stops raining in PA
• ate supper in Scarnton, but did not see Dunder Mifflin :(
• had a McD's hot fudge sundae...been a LONG time, and it was still delicious
• struggled with some relationships
• had a two hour counseling session
• lost at Settlers of Catan again
• celebrated our wedding anniversary without Jason
• tried Ellie's (April's daughter) Chocolate Fireworks Cake that she made
• was really thankful for friends who love and support me
• tried to let some stuff go, especially issues that we not really mine to begin with
• said "hi welcome, can I get your last name? I'm Erin and this is Erica and we are counseling interns in the counseling center this year. The counseling center is located right around the corner off the track in the Wellness Suite. Feel free to come talk to us if anything comes up in your life no matter how big or small because as a student you get 8 free sessions. Also just to let you know, I'll be sending you an email in the next month or so just to say hi and check and see how the semester is going." about 200 times and Erica did the same... we better get some clients out of this :) oh and I now have an EMU staff t-shirt which will be filling the new role of a team building exercise night shirt...hee hee hee
• have been having some wonderful dreams - do note sarcasm here please
• was excited to discover that Zac loves Big Brother as much as I do
• missed Erica the one night she wasn't here, and have had to adjust to roommate living... apparently it's weird to ask to use someone's coffee pot?? I don't know...going from daughter to wife to roommate was a little backwards I think
• have been thinking about my good buddies Mandi and Greg a lot and really struggling with not being there for the birth of their newest son Levi Thomas - welcome to the world precious little one, and I look forward to all of the wonderful things that Jason will teach you :)
• have thought about Troopie, Kitty, and Alpine a lot!
• paid EMU way too much money
• have been impressed with my little car
• made a commitment to walk to EMU every time I need to go (it's only about 10 minutes but every little bit counts)
• am trying to buy local and organic....see I figure if I start it while I'm down here and things are cheaper it won't be so bad when I move back there to make the adjustment
• realized how much I missed Harrisonburg and all its beauty and people
• wished I had a church to go to on Sunday that I liked and wondered if the Pool could temporarily relocate
• have been trying to enjoy my last few days of freedom before the insanity of my last year of grad school begins...Erica said it feels like there's a great storm in the distance that we know is coming and there's nothing we can do about it, and I have to say that's exactly how I feel....orientation is on Monday....here I go head first!!!

Today is....

... a day that I need A LOT of your love and prayers

...a day that I want to go by really quickly

...a day that I've got lots of stuff planned to keep me busy, but also have a date with a close friend tonight in case I can't carry the weight much longer at that point

...a day that I will never forget

...a day that is causing conflicting emotions of joy and sorrow

...sorrowful because I'm 19 hours away

...joyful because it was on this day, 6 years ago, that I married my best friend, the love of my life, the most perfect person for me to spend the rest of my life with

...our anniversary....Happy Anniversary baby! I love you more than I could ever even try to get across in this blog post. Missing you loads, and wish you were here, or I was there, or we were in Disney together :)

Back in the USA...

I guess I'll start this post off by being honest. Something in me has not wanted to write on this blog since I got back down here late Monday night. Perhaps it's because I'm feeling very conflicted about a lot of things. Perhaps it's because I want to remain in denial that I've got an intense semester coming. Who knows!

With that though, in case you haven't heard, April and I made the 19 hour drive on Monday alive and are still friends. We had a fun trip, and it actually didn't feel like 19 hours at all. We were certainly getting quite silly by the end of it. The thing that I'm still shocked about is that with meals,, gas, and coffee the whole trip only cost about $100. Is that not insane when you compare it to the $700 that I pay to fly home??? I would never do that trip by myself though, so if I don't have a driving buddy I will be flying home regardless of the price.

Hmmmmm so pros of being back in Harrisonburg, Virginia:

- I have a new car down here

- I love living with a close friend, in a cute place (pictures to come) that is only a 10 minute walk to the school

- I'm hoping to join the free gym at EMU, and take pilates with Margaret and Erica

- I'll be entering my final semesters of becoming a counselor (CRAZY!!!)

- getting reconnected with everyone that I want to reconnect with

- trivia nights

- warm weather, and beautiful mountains

- cheap gas, groceries, and going out to eat (makes it hard to cook meals at home)

- my neighborhood now has Erica, Zac, Margaret, Trevor, and Christian in it

- being able to get counseling with my counselor face to face as opposed to the phone

cons:

- no Jason

- no Trooper, Kitty, or Alpine

- no Moncton buddies

- no Pool

- going to need to start reading way too much

- the thought of writing a research paper makes me want to crawl into a hole

- being forced to see people that I would be okay never seeing again

- feeling lonely at times (this is why I need animals around)

I think that's enough of the cons, this is getting depressing :)

Seriously though I am happy to be back, but saying goodbye to Jason was even harder this time, and that is super weird for me because I thought it would be easier! Or maybe it was about the same, but the sting is still too fresh for me to realize this. Regardless I'm looking forward to counseling tomorrow where I'll have a safe place to grieve, and process where I'm at. After that perhaps there will be a more coherent blog post.

Thanks to you all for your continued love and support. Ready to track my adventures, and insanity for another year?? I sure hope so....

Poor little boy...

This is my poor, pathetic puppy that had blood work one today. It's actually quite cute, but he's milking it for sure :) Trooper started vomiting a couple of nights ago and has done so off and on - it's been a delight to clean all of this up let me tell you, especially when it's been in our bed twice. Anyways, after getting us up twice in the middle of the night, which he never does, for issues with the other end we decided to take him to the vet. She thinks it's pancreatitis, which is good because it's an easy fix. The crappy thing is that they needed to do blood work to determine this, very expensive blood work at that. I was hesitant, but I'm not allowed to mess around with "daddy's boy", so gave in. We get the blood results tomorrow. In the mean time he's on a diet of hamburger and rice. It was strange cooking for my dog today. Good news is the vomiting has stopped, but we've had diarrhea blowouts seven times so far today (only one of which has been in the house while I was at an appointment so I couldn't get upset). Feel free to pray for this little guy. I think he's on the mend with the diet we currently have him on though. I just can't imagine anything happening to Jason's little buddy, especially wiht me leaving in a week :(

Current struggle...

Remember my post about the residue? Well here is a quote that sums my current stuck point VERY well! Thanks to all of your love, support, and encouragement. I know some of you are benefiting from my posts, and can relate. I'm sad that that is the case for you, but I'm also thanking you for this great gift. It can be a dark, lonely road on this path. So the gift you have given me is to give a voice to what I'm going through, because I don't know where I'd be without the stories and support of those who have gone before me - just passing the torch here folks :)

"The child who expresses feelings that her family cannot afford to face is the enemy in that family's view of what it needs to survive. They treat her as if it's "her or them", and she believes it. Sadly the adult that she becomes often treats the child inside with the same disregard and repressive attitudes that the adults that surrounded her did." E. Sue Blum

Very cool....

I remember hearing this in class one day, and having my eyes fill up with tears as I listened. Jason found it quite interesting as well and emailed it to me this morning. Check it out....especially those of you who have a passion for children with special needs!

www.wimp.com/boyinterviews/

Inward journey...

Cars smars....

I HATE cars, those of you who are close to me know how much they annoy me. Anyways, we've been doing some shuffling around in our driveway lately, and I think we're finally at a great, affordable place for our family.

I had this sucker (1996 Honda Civic) at school last. I've got to say this car has lasted longer than either of us could have hoped for. Jason bought it before we even knew each other - about 10 years ago - and we have just now decided that it is no longer reliable enough for us. Yes, it's in GREAT shape for it's age, but with us living as far from town as we do and me needing to travel to Baltimore from Harrisonburg next semester a lot by myself we decided we needed 2 reliable cars. So we are in the process of selling this bad boy. In fact, as I type this Jason is in the driveway with someone who is looking at it. We are both already grieving the loss of this car, but with that will not miss its lack of air conditioning and oil eating abilities.

This car, 2007 Saturn Vue, (this isn't exactly our car - same color but we had the chrome package) seemed like a good idea at the time, but now we're just thankful to have it gone. We leased this one, had a lot of repairs that needed to be done, and were in the process of going over in our kilometers now that we don't live in town. So in order to preserve our kilometers, since we knew we didn't want to buy the car at the end of our lease, Jason bought the next car.

This 2009 Hionda Civic (the boy loves his Civics and I have to say he's getting me hooked as well) was purchased by us in December. I've had fun zipping around in it this summer I will admit. Good news also is that I will be bringing this one back down to Virginia.

So we've had lots of different scenarios in our head this summer, which lead to way too many discussions. However, we finally came to an agreement that everyone is happy with. We returned the Vue on Thursday - after getting GM to eat about 2000 dollars of our leftover lease payments - and Jason's dream came true. The boy wanted a truck. I have no idea why and I was completely against it. However, they just happened to have one when we went to GM that was a great price, and I actually liked it. It's spacious and fun! Ladies and gentlemen I now introduce to you Jason's new baby, a 2007 Chevy Colorado. Oh dear, now I'm never getting out of Hillsborough am I?

In the moment...

"The work of healing is like finding, sorting, and putting together the pieces of an ancient pot. The work is often tedious, and some of the slivers may be sharp and dangerous. The result, is a beautiful object, elegant in form and function, and in the tale it tells of its creation. If put together carefully, it will also be water tight and can be filled with good things." Richard Moskovitz

As I read this I think "boy oh boy isn't that the truth, and I am so thankful I am doing this". However if I sat here and left it at that I'd be lying, because with that I feel something else. I feel this part of me, the cynic lets call it, that screams and pulls with all of its might telling me that I will never make it. It tells me to give up, because I've been cut too many times by the slivers and there are more to come. Even if I do get water tight it's hard to imagine that I will be filled with good things, especially when all that has come out of this mouth of mine from deep within are bad things that have been done to me. How does one feel good about themselves with this? How do I get to the place where I accept my abuse - which I have - and also feel like I'm a good person? I want to feel like no matter what others think it's there opinion. I want others' opinions to not matter at all to me. Instead though, I'm constantly stuck in downward spirals of others' issues. Issues that are projected on me in some horrible way, and I then take them on as truth causing me to chip away at the pot that I've been so carefully trying to put back together.

I was at a leadership conference this week. During the conference we were given a few moments to think of something that we need help with. Something that we need in order to become better leaders. I'm sure some were feeling like they needed a bigger office, more workers, or something to that effect. I, however, quickly realized that I need to feel like a good person or I'm never going to make it in this world.

Sounds like such a simple realization doesn't it? Sounds like something that I've known about myself for a while huh? Truth is this moment hit me like a ton of bricks. My stomach got tight, tears filled my eyes, and I was shocked at just how much I hate myself. This is the next scary step I will take - admitting this and working on it in counseling. I'm realizing that sometimes the crippling flashbacks aren't so crippling after all. In fact, they've become a safe haven that I feel comfortable revealing as weird as that seems to type. The residue that's left behind is what is scary. A flashback was a moment, the residue is a lifetime. So my friends, here's to the next part of this long winding road, a road that I will not give up on. Although it's a road that has thrown me in all directions and feels never ending, I know it's a road that will take me to my water tight pot. And this pot I picture to be a beautiful mosaic of all that's happened in my world.

Day 10, 11, and 12...

Day 10 and 11 we were in Rome before we headed back to New Brunswick. After getting of the ship - for those of you that have taken a cruise before you know what I mean when I say how impressive it is with how organized the ship is at getting all of the thousands of people off and luggage picked up - we took a bus to Rome and spent two nights in a great hotel that was within walking distance to many great shops and restaurants. In order for us to be able to see Rome we decided to purchase a 24 hour bus ticket that allowed us to hop on and hop off a guided double decker bus. This was the best decision we made; it allowed us to see all the spots we wanted to and saved us a lot of money on taxis since Rome is so big. Below are some of my favorite pictures/spots that we went to.

the history in Rome is insane...everywhere you look there are beautiful reminders of long ago

this felt like a movie set to me...such amazing architecture and streets

used to be the Parliament building, but is now a museum...sure blows our Parliament buildings out of the water...this building was massive and could be seen from a lot of places in the city...we had a hard time getting it in one shot, so this is the best we could do...also I swear Jason had a wonderful time, every picture I seem to post of him though makes him look super cranky.

the famous Trevi fountain...legend has it that if you throw a coin in you're guaranteed to come back to Rome, throw two coins in and you'll fall in love, throw in three and you'll get divorced...we didn't throw in any...we loved Rome but we saw it one, so no need to go back...that's how we vacation anyways :)

man oh man this building gave me goosebumps when I was standing at the bottom of it looking up...I saw the freaking coliseum?!?!?! Still amazes me...

there's the Parliament building again poking through in the distance

waiting for the bus at a stop

another typical street....check out the street lights that are strung across from building to building

enjoying my audio tour...the buses had fifteen different languages that you could listen too...the trick was to find the right station when you got on another bus...I have no idea why they didn't make every bus have the same channels, but they didn't

balconies like this are everywhere in Rome...this is another fond memory I have...they were always so beautiful...makes sense since everyone lives in apartments...this is their "yard" to decorate and make their own

another common sight in Rome...new and old mixed in together...our tour told us that they've been trying to dig a third subway line underground forever, but have never been able to complete it because they keep bumping into ruins and artifacts...crazy eh?

this is a castle that we toured...unfortunately we weren't allowed to take pictures... it was built in 200 AD...it was surreal waking around in this structure and thinking about how old it was...here we're lucky to walk around in something built in the 1800's...but 200 wow!

Last big adventure in Rome - or outside of Rome I guess I should say - was the smallest country in the world...Vatican City. This is the wall that surrounds the country, and that is the lineup to get into St. Peter's Basilica and the Vatican museums (where the Sistine chapel is). We however did not stand in that line. We paid for a guided tour that not only gave us loads of information on things we saw in the museums, but also allowed us to skip the 3 hour lineup.

St. Peter's Basilica square (where you see on television, especially when it's time for them to choose a new Pope).

Recognize this? Maybe a closer picture would help...

Yup we stood underneath this masterpiece in awe for quite awhile. You weren't allowed to take pictures, but someone snuck a few in - with the flash off of course so he didn't damage anything.

one of the many pictures I have of St. Peter's Basilica. I'm only posting this one and the next because the pictures just aren't doing this church - the largest one in the world that holds 60 000 people - justice! There was so much detail everywhere you look. Honestly, it was hard to walk around there without your jaw dragging along the floor.

This was one of only two sculptures that Michelangelo did and actually signed. This sculpture has had a lasting impact on me. It was huge and the first thing to my right when I walked into the basilica. Michelangelo's inspiration came for this sculpture because he felt like Mary needed a place to be able to weep and grieve the loss of her son. Wow eh? I don't know, something about this gave me goosebumps and brought tears to my eyes as I stood there. I will never forget...

Well guys that's it. I know I know it's been a lot eh? Thanks for taking this journey with me. I will post an update soon on summer stuff, but I wanted to get this out of the way first. After Rome we had a 10 hour flight back to Toronto that I was dreading, but it actually wasn't too bad; the time went by relatively quick.

Day 8 and 9...

Is this the never ending trip or what? It was quite fabulous I must say :)

So day 8 found us in Heraklion, Crete. Crete is the second largest Greek island. Now I'm not going to lie here. I do have pictures of Crete, but I didn't take any. We all got off the boat dressed in beach gear - because we heard there were great beaches in the area and sticking our feet in the Mediterranean Sea was appealing to us all - but decided not to go when we found out that it was going to cost over $100 for 6 of us to take a cab there and back. Matt and Lindsay decided to go explore, and the rest of us decided that a day relaxing by the pool was just what we needed. So we visited a local shop - where I bought the best olive oil ever made on the island - and headed back to the ship.

Day 9 was our last day on the boat. We spent it on the sea heading back to Rome. The whole time we were on the cruise I kept saying to Jason that I never felt like I was on a boat. I said that it would be fun to get a storm and feel it rocking just to see what it was like. Well did I get was I was asking for. There was a big storm in the distance that the captain was trying to avoid, and he did, but we were getting some waves from it. Oh and by waves I mean there were times at about 2 o'clock in the morning where I needed to hold onto the bed or I was going to roll onto the floor. I seriously thought I was going to die people, and I was quite nauseous. We had to take the hangers out of our closet because they were banging so much. It was ridiculous! While I laid awake scared and picturing nothing but the scene from Titanic where the couple was laying in bed holding each other and the room was filling up with water - because I was sure this is where my life was headed next - someone else laid beside me snoring away. Apparently everyone else slept fine too I found out the next morning at breakfast. Oh well, just a few more years off my life due to stress chemicals pumping through my body at unbelievable rates :) What am I missing the most from the cruise?? Their oatmeal. Yup that's right, oatmeal. I have no idea how they made it the perfect texture, but they did. I keep trying and one of these days I'm going to get it right! Anyone got a good recipe? I hate thick oatmeal.

One more poston the trip and then it will be real time upodate for everyone. THanks for sticking wiht this...