Ain't that the truth.....

"Without a clear connection to our instincts and feelings, we cannot feel our connection and sense of belonging to this earth, to a family, or anything else. Herein lie the roots of trauma. Disconnection from our felt sense of belonging leaves our emotions floundering in a vacuum of loneliness." (Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma by Peter Levine)

Amen to feeling more normal thanks to a book I'm reading for my Crisis and Trauma class. Seriously people I have never felt this lonely in my life; it's so consuming and ever present. Doesn't matter how many people are around it's always lurking in the shadows. Yet I am reminded that this too shall pass.....never as quickly as I like though :)

Week 12....

1. get to see my husband in 4 weeks!!!!!!
2. did a 60 minute presentation on LGB and got a 24/25 on the paper that went with that presentation
3. was validated by one of the profs in a big way in the program
4. had to confront a fellow classmate who we caught cheating on a quiz
5. am enjoying sitting with clients, but I like group counseling as well...I'm learning lots!
6. have been reminded over and over again of just how present God is
7. had some sweet tea
8. been enjoying hot weather, it was 31 these past two days and that's supposed to continue
9. was in Target today and heard a child squeaking a toy over and over again....it reminded me of Trooper chewing on his squeaky toys and made me teary :(
10. spent some money on myself today, it felt so good....I needed a new bra and threw in a couple of extra things at other stores as well :) I love Ross!
11. am dreaming a lot about fun things that Jason and I can do when he gets here....all he dreams about is where he's going to eat and golf.....joke's on him we're doing some touristy stuff too
12. have been feeling really lonely
13. hung out with Erica for a half girls night tonight, Trev joined us later in the evening, so much fun and greatly needed in my world!
14. am off to Oma's (German for grandmother) on Sunday with Trev and Christian for food that is "going to blow my face off" apparently...looking forward to this for sure!
15. meet a creepy guy at the bar tonight....I hauled Trev in the conversation out of fear for my life....dude looked me in the eyes and told me he bathes in virgin's blood and that's how he stays so young looking....nice eh? I kept a straight face and showed no fear as he ran his thumb across his throat, all the while grabbing Trevor's leg and squeezing it really hard to get his attention
16. am hoping not to catch the next version of the counseling cold that's going around the department
17. there's only 4 weeks left in the semester, that means lots of work to do....Jason FYI you're getting 3 papers to edit tomorrow...blame Mandi :)
18. the cruise still seems far away at this point
19. am thankful for my counselor who somehow makes me feel more normal amongst all my craziness
20. switched to organic milk
21. went out for Mexican...mmmmmm....we need a good Mexican restaurant in Moncton, Mexi's doesn't cut it
22. been longing to start walking again but somehow never have the time, I think I need to make time
23. Kitty turned 13.....doesn't matter though she's immortal :)
24. been feeling this weird poetry/writing/I don't know what to call it side emerging... must be all my touchy feely classes
25. listened to a presentation on grief groups for children.....we each got a balloon and had to write a message on it and let it go into the sky....felt really good....BUT...I popped it and threw out my garbage....couldn't bare to send the balloon and string into the sky knowing that it would come down and kill some animal....although I could have copied Erica and wrote "if you're a bird don't eat this" on mine....she's so funny!
26. worried the clutch is going in the Honda, feel free to pray this doesn't happen....I don't want to put anymore money in this car
27. have rambled enough....hope everyone is well!

Cute joke....

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.

Love, Bubba

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Bubba

More pics.....

DC..... at a very cool organic/fair trade restaurant called Busboys and Poets. I contacted Susan (christian's girlfriend) to see if she wanted to come out and she did. So below is her, I, and April and then the whole gang....

Pittsburgh....we went to the American Counseling Association Conference for the day and then the awards ceremony at night to claim our prize...

left to right: Tara, me, Zac, Linda, David, Teresa (all profs and Teresa is Christian's aunt), Tom.. the department took us out for a yummy Italian supper! It was some famous chick's restaurant, but I have no idea who because she's not on the Food Network :)

at the awards ceremony that was very fancy....almost had an Oscars feel to it....not that I know what the Oscars feels like, but there was a live band and teleprompters so that's the comparison.. we felt out of place, especially since we had been up for way too long at this point on way too little sleep....Come on Mandi I tried instead of just laughing here....you've got to give me that :)

Not only do I think I look GREAT in this pic :) but I also wanted to give props to this boy. This is Tom. You guys don't see him a lot because he's a busy, introverted boy. However, can I just tell you that without this guy to complain to in A LOT of moments I'd be even more cranky than I am....I know hard to believe eh? We have VERY similar viewpoints and it's so refreshing to me, especially during the tense moments in the ethics project.

Teresa and I are becoming more and more connected, bound to happen since I hang out with her two nephews so much. Linda was beaming at the awards ceremony. This is going to look really good on her resume, important since she has given her notice and will not be returning to EMU next fall :( Although her course loads are always intense so I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a bit relieved. She's taught me loads though, brilliant, brilliant woman!

This was a proud moment for us all. We came first place out of 28 schools, quite impressive for a small little school like EMU.

A window glance...

As I look out the window I smile.
I see a Blue Jay, a Robin, and a Cardinal happily skipping across the lawn, and occasionally flying up to the bird feeder to grab a bite.
I wonder to myself where have they been?
Where did they go when all the snow was here?
I began to feel a bit of jealousy.
Why can't I escape for the winter months?
Why can't I bury my head in a hole and not bring it out until the sun is shining, and life is beginning to form?
Why did they come back here?
Why here? Why now?
It's simple isn't it?
They came back knowing that greater things have yet to come; trusting that there is something new in store for them in this land that is familiar but offers new beginnings.
Guess I have more in common with the birds than I thought!

***I don't know where this stuff is coming from and I'm half embarrassed that it is coming from somewhere. Regardless though it gives a good glance at where I'm at, I think anyways :)***

Week 11....

• Jason and I are discussing that he may need to come down for a visit, 13 weeks is just going to be too much!
• weird hearing my second year friends talk about graduating
• went to Pittsburgh....was fun...neat city...wish I had more time there...all I know is that it's where Heinz ketchup was invented :) Tara took pics and I'm just waiting to get my hands on those, when I do I'll post them...
• was up for 24 hours straight, I'm too old for this
• led 2 groups and saw 3 clients....crazy cool!
• have been really busy
• am hoping not to get sick after Erica sneezed on me tonight and she's sick
• am feeling done and I still have 11 weeks left, oh dear
• did Yoga in class, I am out of shape...guess I won't be becoming a Yoga therapist any time soon
• am feeling strangely disconnected from my world and all those I'm close with, weird and I'm sure that's going to come up in counseling this week
• been learning some fascinating things about the brain in relation to therapy...I need to learn more on this, especially if I want to work with trauma
• had fun in DC for 3 days, learned lots, felt like I was amongst stars because there were a lot of big names there of people that I hear my profs talk about! Also got to see Claudia Black (does a lot of work with victims of trauma who grew up in addicted homes) she was awesome! Rode the subway, went to Chinatown, and spent way too much money on a hotel....but it was worth it. So good to catch up with April. She's a mom so I don't usually get to do things like this with her. Here are some pics (more to come once I get them from April)....

left to right: Josh, Maria, Laura, Zac (all second year students), me, April

one of Zac's "art" shots that he took while we were walking down the street....look at the crazy, paranoid Canadian who has the death grip on her purse in case someone tries to grab it...I'm not sure what Josh is doing here...he's a big dude, used to play football for UVA on a full scholarship with Michael Vic (was bragging that MV slapped his ass on a few occasions...ha ha ha)

Every afternoon we would screw the system and get coffee at McDonald's as opposed to the expensive hotel coffee. Not fair trade, but neither was the hotel....what are you going to do when you're running on way too little sleep? So this is us in McD's before the coffee fix in case you can't tell :)

The ultimate feels....

...sticky, constricting, painful, jagged, sharp, rough,

hurtful, lonely, dividing, hard, dark, confining, and defining.

... like I want to scream, put the brakes on, give up, drop

to my knees and beg for no more. No more images,

flashbacks, freezing torture, memories, and feelings.

...conflictingly so, strangely doable with every breath, even

in those darkest, despairing moments. Even in those

times where I feel like I'm being drug on my knees

by my hair down a path I do not want to travel.

...full of hope. Just like everything else I have conquered,

this too shall pass. This will be my biggest triumph on

this journey of mine thus far. This will make me strong,

wise, healthy, whole, empathic, and connected.

...like I just might not be that alone after all. You are here,

I feel You, and that brings a comfort unlike any other.