Break time....

Hey all you faithful readers.... I will be taking a weeks break from blogging because my favorite person in the WHOLE world is coming to visit me :) So check back next week for an update of all our adventures. Someone's got three tee times booked while he's down here. Aren't I a good wife? It's supposed to be 25-28 every day he's down here as well. We're looking forward to having lots of fun, eating way too much, and of course spending LOADS of time with one another. Enjoy your week, I know I will!

Quote....

"I think now, looking back, we did not fight the enemy, we fought ourselves, and the enemy was in us. The war is over for me now, but it will always be there, the rest of my days...But be that as it may, those who did make it have an obligation to build again. To teach to others what we know, and to try with whats left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this life"

(from Platoon, Sgt. Chris Taylor).

Who knew I'd connect so deeply with a Sgt. This is the battle I have with every memory, every flashback. I did not fight the enemy in the moment, and now I fight myself with the flooding of thoughts and feelings that come in the moment. However, it's not me I'm fighting with, although it feels like it, it's the enemy that initially inflicted such horrible acts upon me. Unfortunately my war is not over yet, but it will be. And when it is I will be in a profession that will bless me with the opportunity to build again, and to teach others what I know; the empathy and understanding that I have for survivors can't be learned from any textbook or class lecture. Fortunately I've already found the goodness and meaning to my life. Give a voice to the voiceless, that's what it's all about for me. I love my life. Even with all the rough, desolate, despairing, craziness I have somehow managed to come face to face with hope, beauty, and miraculous wonder, and I only have Him to thank for that!

Week 15

• one more week of this semester, then a 6 day break, then begin 2 intense summer classes
• have no motivation left, hoping it's just because the semester is winding down and I need a husband fix...if not I'm going to bomb these summer classes :)
• feeling kind of sad that Zac will be leaving in a week to go back to South Carolina
• loved my DID training
• have been really thankful for God and all that He does and means for me
• dealing with some more lovely past memories
• had an amazing opportunity- God pushed, I went for it, and it worked out beautifully (kind to think of it, this actually applies to many things in my week)
• wondering what Jason and I should do while he's down here...DC perhaps? any suggestions? we've already thought about Disney but we don't have time, and he's got to meet all these folks that I talk about in VA
• got to sing John Mayer's "Say What You Need to Say" in class for a music therapy presentation and it was fun....I love singing....Jason is always telling me to get voice lessons and start moving in this area but it's scary for me...I would need a choir setting not a solo setting :)
• one more paper, and one more presentation
• need some good sleep time, but can't seem to get it
• missing my animals
• am ready to dive into myself even more on a weekly basis...I talked to Nate about seeing him twice a week from here on out, not because I'm not coping well....quite the opposite really...I feel like I can take more on and want to do that....I have the will and desire so I need to keep that flame burning...kind of funny though coming from the girl who argued with him in the beginning of the semester "why do I need to come weekly, am I that messed up?" ha ha ha
• got my ACA ethics competition certificate at a luncheon the other day, that sucker is going to look good in my office someday
• planning a trip to Ikea soon with Erica for some apartment goodies
• this termination stuff with clients is hard, especially when they aren't coming back to EMU next year.....only have 2 more individual sessions with clients and I'm done my practicum... I actually went over in hours, which was a shock to my supervisor because at one point it was looking like I wasn't going to have enough at all
• going to watch Disney's Princess and the Frog movie tonight with a couple of chicks, looking forward to eating some junk :)
• been wanting to do a good old BBQ potluck....Mandi that's the plan when I get back!
• can't wait to see Jason, I could cry just thinking about it!

Love this....

I was reminded of this today in a presentation. I hadn't seen it in a while....sooooo good, and so fitting for where I'm at right now....He's the reason I keep going down this hard path I'm on! So thankful He's holding Jason and I no matter what!

The unknown.....

There's a certain safety in the unknown.

It's masked torture.

It pulls and pushes; stings and burns.

Yet it is what it is; unknown, undiscovered, untouched hidden memories.

Hidden memories so deep within.

Tarnished, bruised, cracked, and splintered.

It is from this place though that I begin to wonder.

Wonder what function and duty the unknown continues to serve.

The answer to that question echoes over and over.

Then I feel it.

I feel the calm, soothing, presence of the known.

The reminder that I will be okay.

The reminder that I have survived.

The reminder that I thrive in every aspect of my life, and this one too shall be no different.

There is a safety in the unknown.

Yet the unknown is what it is.

It will continue to be there no matter what.

It will continue to keep me hidden from the world that I so deeply want to embrace.

So I will begin the process of pushing the huge, scary unknown into the spotlight of the known.

All the while recognizing You're here and You're not letting go!

Training....

I wanted to let you all know, and get my thoughts out, on how today went. Zac and I left Harrisonburg at 4:30 in the morning and arrived in Baltimore, Maryland (beautiful drive) around 7:30. I wasn't sure what I was getting into. I knew I was going to a training on diagnosing and treating Dissociative Identity Disorder, and that was all it took to get me to sign up because I have HUGE passion for this, which is a good thing since I want to work with trauma and DID and trauma normally go hand in hand (in fact children who have been abused and neglected have to create this beautiful, creative coping mechanism or they would not have survived their childhood). So right away Lisa Ferentz (one of the top trauma workers in the country) had my attention. She kept saying how important this coping mechanism (not mental illness) was for survival, and how beautiful, creative, and extremely intelligent people need to be to be able to do this in the first place. This was music to my soul let me tell you. This is how I feel, I can't even explain it. I sat there for the first two hours just remembering all the times that those of you with DID have let me into your worlds. I felt so honored and blessed, and still do as I type this. In fact, all the things she was explaining I already knew for the most part (it was a basic introduction the system and how it works), I was even able to give some examples and perspectives from my experiences with some of you....THANK YOU!!!!

So on break I ran into Lisa in the washroom and she says to me "thank you for sharing what you are. I can tell you have a passion for this area and a lot of wisdom for your age". HOLY CRAP... What an honor!!! So I then said that I was interested in taking her Trauma I and II certificate program (basically will make me a certified trauma therapist), but was quite discouraged that it was only for those who already have their Masters, and since I wanted to go back to Canada I probably wouldn't be able to afford to come back down monthly for the training once I graduate. Guess what she said??? "Someone like you, with what I'm seeing, I'll let you into the program. In fact, I have one starting in September and I really encourage you to take it". AHHHHHH and when I was leaving she said "I'll see you in September right Erin?". YOU'RE FREAKING RIGHT YOU WILL LISA :) ha ha ha Seriously guys I am super pumped. I love my life, my passion, my history, my healing, my journey, my husband, and all the many many blessings that are making this moment happen. God is sooooo wonderful to me. Even all those dark times that I have been working through in 6 years of counseling now, they sucked...but they have also shaped me into the person I am today and I wouldn't trade that for anything. I can't wait to extend that grace and hope to others....hearing her stories about the work she does with her clients makes me realize that what I long for in my soul will become a reality, because if she can do it I can do it... and she told me that I was already one step ahead of her because I'm a survivor and she isn't.

So the rest of the morning and afternoon were about assessing, treating, and just overall information about working with clients who have DID. I learned so much! Totally worth the $140 and 3 hour drive to Baltimore. It was a long day, but so worth it. I'm one step closer to sitting with trauma survivors friends, and to that I say BRING IT ON!!!! :)

Week 14....

• 12 more days until Jason arrives
• still tired
• had to do an exercise in class where I had to stare into someone's eyes for 5 minutes straight noting what I saw, how I felt, etc...this was REALLY hard to do, but spoke so much to.... yes yes I cried, of course I did!
• only have one more paper and presentation left to do...time is flying by down here
• am getting sad that Zac will be heading back to SC soon, but excited for him that he'll get to move back home with his wife and cats
• signed a lease and now apparently need to learn how to mow a lawn
• am pondering something big in my world and need lots of prayer for wisdom and courage
• ate at a buffet with the boys, never again...I've decided I hate buffets
• met a guy who makes wooden dildos...is this weird or what?
• participated in trivia night at one of the local bars....there were some hard questions, we need Jason's useless knowledge brain
• only have one week left of my ACOA group and 2 weeks left of counseling clients...this termination stuff is really hard
• joined facebook again...I know I know I gave into the peer pressure...I'm going to try it out for a bit with super tight security...if it gets out of hand I'll be cutting it off again
• went into a Villages store the other day and it made me really home sick, I actually had to leave :( I miss that job....
• made a yummy quinoa recipe
• can't believe how much I run into the few clients I have on campus
• come on cruise
• am really excited to live with Erica starting June 1
• miss my boys
• had 3 days in the upper 20's here this week, love it that the Honda has no AC
• had my first no show client
• was quite cranky at points
• participated in a therapeutic drumming circle...I was really nervous at first but went with it and ending up really liking it...I kept thinking of Greg and how much he would have loved it
• find myself thinking about jobs when I'm done...weird since I still have a whole year left, I'm so impatient
• trying to decide what Jason and I should do when he's down here
• need to go to bed and looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow