Prayer please....

"As a child you received messages from your family to keep your mouth shut and remain invisible. You also learned to become invisible in order to protect yourself. You no longer need to be invisible to survive. If people do not notice you, they may not abuse you, but they also will not love you or attend to your needs. Make yourself and your needs known.” The Right to Innocence - Beverly Engel

It is with this quote that I will hold my head high and do one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life. Standing up for my needs and what's best for me is almost impossible, but I'm going to do it this afternoon. Prayer please!!!!!

Busy, busy, busy...

- going non-stop for about 13 hours a day 5 days a week is too much for me!
- saying no to friends and fun activities is killing me, but there is no other option
- I LOVE my classes (well except career counseling), and internship despite feeling exhausted
- I'm loving living with Erica. We've now decided to hyphenate our name: Erin and Erica Yutzy-Constable...what do you think :)
- God is playing a trick on me...I decided last semester that I somehow need to pick up on my French again. I secretly thought a conversational partner would be good, but in order for me to be able to swallow my pride I would need to have someone that just learned English speak English, and I would respond in French. Make sense? Well this morning I FINALLY got around to making some muffins. So we decided to bring some down to the guy who moved in downstairs from Africa - as we know I'll do anything for Africans :) So my new friend Abou is from Malawi, and guess what he speaks?? You got it. He wants to start getting together to do exactly what I had been thinking about. Folks I was squirmming and getting sweaty at the though of this. I don't know what my stress is about speaking French, but it's certainly present. Erica thought it was great, in fact Abou was speaking in French, I interpreted in English for Erica, and then responded to him in English. That's rude isn't it? Man oh man! Ok, ok I need to do this - said through gritted teeth of course :)
- too busy to process things that are occurring all the time apparently, you're welcome for that previous blurb
- not too busy to hike a mountain and check out a beautiful view of the Appalachian mountain range....I love the beauty here, but miss the water. Oh and I almost died multiple times on this hike due to lack of oxygen from being out of shape!
- been too busy to post, last thing I want to do when I have a free moment is spend time on the computer
- sorry to all of you who are not getting phone calls from me, Jason is the only one I'm able to get to these days, and even that is sometimes only a quick 10 minute call before my head hits the pillow
- those of you inclined to prayer - please pray that God begins to give me some clarity about after school job stuff, and that my heart will be joyful and excited about whatever that is...oh and if you have any wisdom/clarity/thoughts/whatever about this I certainly welcome that!
- k off to do more homework...hope everyone is well...I love you all and think of you often!!!

Trauma training....

WAS AWESOME! I cannot express enough just how much this training is not only teaching me, but also touching my soul. I won't bore you about all of the details, but I will leave you with this. Friends, if you learn nothing else over my journey these past few years from all of my ramblings that's okay. However, I'm sending an extra prayer up to the Big Guy that something about this quote sticks - especially when you come up against someone who is driving you nuts, and you just don't have the patience for, or they are needy, or whatever (perhaps someone came to mind right now). This was Lisa's, the trainer, third slide in her presentation. It hit me at a deep level, filled my eyes with tears, and made me thank God for all those wonderful survivors that He has and will be placing on my path, and for making me one of these people as well! There is always a person in there NO MATTER WHAT! If some people didn't see this in me along the way I don't know where I'd be now. Thank you to those of you who never gave up on me - and still don't - even when I'm being completely ridiculous!

"If you look at the behavior (of borderlines, those with eating disorders, cutters, or _____) through a traumatic background, it makes perfect sense. If you've been abused for years, your entire organism and personality has been organized around your trauma. The way they act is understandable ...they are people trying to survive!!!!"

Lately I've been....

• wondering why I have the abilities I do in counseling others, but am super thankful I do.
• enjoying spending time with my roomie.
• hating reading again.
• trying to catch up on sleep.
• enjoying vegetarian potlucks with Zac.
• missing Jason like crazy.
• disappointed to discover that I can't come home in November because of school :(
• excited that Jason is coming to see me in less than 5 weeks for 10 days - a crying wife on the phone saying "I can't do this" can make anything happen let me tell you... including getting a boss to add on extra vacation time that one doesn't have.
• thinking about Kitty a lot and wishing she could be here with me.
• not eating out as much.
• working on me, and realizing that I am my own boss, not the other million people that surround me.
• trying to slowly make the switch to some organic products.
• breaking through others' expectations of me and it's been sooooo freeing to be angry about this!
• looking ahead and scaring myself at all there is to do between now and May.
• planning a support group for women sexual abuse survivors on campus that Erica and I will be leading together.
• seeing clients and it's been an energizing experience!
• so busy that I haven't even thought about my upcoming Disney trip in December (with that I just remembered that I need to book a flight from Moncton to DC - I'll be home for one week the first of January folks).
• walking to EMU and not driving since it's only about 10 minutes away.
• loving the space that Erica and I live in and can't wait for Jason to see it.
• not wanting to blog.
• trying to do things for me, and realize just how hard that is for me to pull off.
• enjoying coffee way too much.
• frustrated that my jeans are all too tight - I seriously haven't been able to stop eating since the cruise...it was so worth it though!
• nervous about my upcoming trauma training in Baltimore that starts tomorrow.
• wondering what I was thinking signing up for two yoga classes with Erica and Margaret that begin this week.
• thankful to be me overall. Walking down the street, being thankful to be alive, and surrounded by the beauty I am down here is such a wonderful feeling. I'm going in to a profession that touches me, and energizes me in a way that I can't vocalize and that my friends is great success if I do say so myself!

Check us out....

So I don't know why I'm so excited about this, but I am. Erica (my roommate) and I look so grown-up now :) Writing that short paragraph was one of the hardest things I've ever wrote believe it or not. What do you think????

Oh and sorry for the lack of posting...this semester is insane! To write more, or use my brain any more at the ed of the day to post something feels impossible for the most part. I'll see what I cna come up with this weekend for your reading enjoyment.

So hard to do/believe....

“This is my life and I have a right to live it according to what I want it to be, regardless of what others think it should be. This includes whatever path or course of action I take to develop myself as a whole person. I understand this may interfere with your life, but this is about ME.” Patty Hite

Classes update....

Sorry all for the lack of posting...if I can get through this semester of internship, classes, intense personal counseling, and being away from my husband I think I'll be able to actually pull of anything for the rest of my life :)

This semester I am at the EMU counseling center for 8 hours on Monday and Thursday seeing clients for internship. I saw five clients on Thursday, and boy was I nervous going in there. I hadn't counseled anyone all summer, and was worried that I had lost all that I acquired last semester. Good news is that I had an awesome day. It was one of those days where I just kept sitting back in awe. I can't explain this, but I felt it. I love how I've been made. I love my gifts, passions, and blessings. To be able to sit back and watch this beautiful masterpiece that is me come together in a way that I never thought possible still brings tears to my eyes. I can't wait to be a counselor, and bless others through all that He has equipped me with. In fact I look forward to doing this again on Monday. Hmmm this will be a good post to look back on someday when I'm tired, and want to give up.

Tuesday morning I'm at school from 8:45 to 6:00. In that time I have my internship supervision with four of my classmates, Marriage and Family, and Research (reminding me a lot of Research Methods and Stats only graduate level...yikes). Then on Wed classes start at 9:40, and we end at 4:40. In that time we have Advanced Diagnosis and Career Counseling. Career will be the death of me folks. I do not like it, but I'm trying. I'm trying to go into this with an open mind...it's sooooo hard though. Nothing in me wants to do career counseling with someone.

As for now I need to go to bed. My roomie and I are cleaning tomorrow and hitting the books. Hope everyone is well, and survived Hurricane Earl...or what Jason described as a rainy day :)