In the moment...

"The work of healing is like finding, sorting, and putting together the pieces of an ancient pot. The work is often tedious, and some of the slivers may be sharp and dangerous. The result, is a beautiful object, elegant in form and function, and in the tale it tells of its creation. If put together carefully, it will also be water tight and can be filled with good things." Richard Moskovitz

As I read this I think "boy oh boy isn't that the truth, and I am so thankful I am doing this". However if I sat here and left it at that I'd be lying, because with that I feel something else. I feel this part of me, the cynic lets call it, that screams and pulls with all of its might telling me that I will never make it. It tells me to give up, because I've been cut too many times by the slivers and there are more to come. Even if I do get water tight it's hard to imagine that I will be filled with good things, especially when all that has come out of this mouth of mine from deep within are bad things that have been done to me. How does one feel good about themselves with this? How do I get to the place where I accept my abuse - which I have - and also feel like I'm a good person? I want to feel like no matter what others think it's there opinion. I want others' opinions to not matter at all to me. Instead though, I'm constantly stuck in downward spirals of others' issues. Issues that are projected on me in some horrible way, and I then take them on as truth causing me to chip away at the pot that I've been so carefully trying to put back together.

I was at a leadership conference this week. During the conference we were given a few moments to think of something that we need help with. Something that we need in order to become better leaders. I'm sure some were feeling like they needed a bigger office, more workers, or something to that effect. I, however, quickly realized that I need to feel like a good person or I'm never going to make it in this world.

Sounds like such a simple realization doesn't it? Sounds like something that I've known about myself for a while huh? Truth is this moment hit me like a ton of bricks. My stomach got tight, tears filled my eyes, and I was shocked at just how much I hate myself. This is the next scary step I will take - admitting this and working on it in counseling. I'm realizing that sometimes the crippling flashbacks aren't so crippling after all. In fact, they've become a safe haven that I feel comfortable revealing as weird as that seems to type. The residue that's left behind is what is scary. A flashback was a moment, the residue is a lifetime. So my friends, here's to the next part of this long winding road, a road that I will not give up on. Although it's a road that has thrown me in all directions and feels never ending, I know it's a road that will take me to my water tight pot. And this pot I picture to be a beautiful mosaic of all that's happened in my world.