The end of this journey....

I'm sorry to all of you who check this regularly and are wondering what's up. It feels impossible for me to update this with my life right now. So, because of that I have decided to end this part of my journey. Although I still have 7 months left of grad school, this just somehow isn't fitting for me anymore. Thank you for traveling down this road with me reminding me that you are there - it has meant a lot! Should I ever decide to blog again I'll be sure to let you all know :) For now I'll be focusing on school, trauma training, my personal growth, and planning our next Disney adventure!

Couldn't have said it any better...

‎"Some days I am tired of the process, like I should be "done" by now! Sometimes I think that wholeness is over-rated and too much work. But those days are not frequent anymore, and they pass and I remember that I never want to stop growing because the results are so excellent!" Darlene Ouimet from Emerging From Broken



I'm alive folks...just having a hard time getting through trauma trainings, 5 classes, 16 clients per week, and homework...thanks for your patience!

This week....

-the thought of seeing Jason in 3 weeks makes my heart jump with joy...I will say though that these past 32 days without him have flown by thankfully!

-feeling sick at the thought of doing a family geneogram for my marriage and family class...one side of the family, no biggy and has already received their emails...the other side makes me want to run into a hole and never come out...arghhhhh...I may be the first one in this long line of insanity to burst the protective, constricting bubble folks...I feel like I'm going to throw up...

-been fun talking to Margaret about her wedding that she's planning

-speaking of Margaret - 5 of us girls are going to Margaret's family's homestead for the night. It's a super old beautiful farmhouse that has been in the family for 4 generations. Erica and I are hoping not to see any ghosts :)

-I've been REALLY enjoying internship and all that comes with that...I'm strongly understanding what my supervisor meant by "it's been my experience that we get the clients we need" sometimes I think God's playing a sick joke and want to refer them to Erica :)

-I'm loving Yoga and seeing how beneficial this will be in my world after a long day of seeing clients!!

-have a significant less amount of homework this semester, however the 2 and a half days a week at internship are making up for that

-love it that I recognize how my body feels now, hate some of the stuff that comes out or that I realize from that though

-took a leap of faith and He was right there with me the whole time...I stood up for myself and said no for the first damn time in my whole life folks because I knew I was worth more than what was being asked of me! It was super scary but soooooo validating to me and my process!

-am thankful for Nate - my counselor

-I'm longing for a day to sleep in...

-missing my NB peeps

-thankful we were able to bless deserving friends on Friday, moments like this make buying the truck worth it...yes I just said that :)

-wish I had more time for phone catch ups...

-had some awesome BBQ

-did anyone get any wisdom about my future that they'd like to pass along????

-wishing I could meet Mandi and Greg's new little guy Levi...and wishing I could be there to celebrate her 30th birthday :(

-did I mention I love counseling others??

-looking forward to starting a support group for female sex abuse survivors..Erica, myself, and Teresa (one of our profs) are going to lead this group together on campus and incorporate in some expressives!!!

-feeling blessed at times, and loaded with nastiness at other times, all the while wondering what it must feel like to be a balanced person :)

Prayer please....

"As a child you received messages from your family to keep your mouth shut and remain invisible. You also learned to become invisible in order to protect yourself. You no longer need to be invisible to survive. If people do not notice you, they may not abuse you, but they also will not love you or attend to your needs. Make yourself and your needs known.” The Right to Innocence - Beverly Engel

It is with this quote that I will hold my head high and do one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life. Standing up for my needs and what's best for me is almost impossible, but I'm going to do it this afternoon. Prayer please!!!!!

Busy, busy, busy...

- going non-stop for about 13 hours a day 5 days a week is too much for me!
- saying no to friends and fun activities is killing me, but there is no other option
- I LOVE my classes (well except career counseling), and internship despite feeling exhausted
- I'm loving living with Erica. We've now decided to hyphenate our name: Erin and Erica Yutzy-Constable...what do you think :)
- God is playing a trick on me...I decided last semester that I somehow need to pick up on my French again. I secretly thought a conversational partner would be good, but in order for me to be able to swallow my pride I would need to have someone that just learned English speak English, and I would respond in French. Make sense? Well this morning I FINALLY got around to making some muffins. So we decided to bring some down to the guy who moved in downstairs from Africa - as we know I'll do anything for Africans :) So my new friend Abou is from Malawi, and guess what he speaks?? You got it. He wants to start getting together to do exactly what I had been thinking about. Folks I was squirmming and getting sweaty at the though of this. I don't know what my stress is about speaking French, but it's certainly present. Erica thought it was great, in fact Abou was speaking in French, I interpreted in English for Erica, and then responded to him in English. That's rude isn't it? Man oh man! Ok, ok I need to do this - said through gritted teeth of course :)
- too busy to process things that are occurring all the time apparently, you're welcome for that previous blurb
- not too busy to hike a mountain and check out a beautiful view of the Appalachian mountain range....I love the beauty here, but miss the water. Oh and I almost died multiple times on this hike due to lack of oxygen from being out of shape!
- been too busy to post, last thing I want to do when I have a free moment is spend time on the computer
- sorry to all of you who are not getting phone calls from me, Jason is the only one I'm able to get to these days, and even that is sometimes only a quick 10 minute call before my head hits the pillow
- those of you inclined to prayer - please pray that God begins to give me some clarity about after school job stuff, and that my heart will be joyful and excited about whatever that is...oh and if you have any wisdom/clarity/thoughts/whatever about this I certainly welcome that!
- k off to do more homework...hope everyone is well...I love you all and think of you often!!!

Trauma training....

WAS AWESOME! I cannot express enough just how much this training is not only teaching me, but also touching my soul. I won't bore you about all of the details, but I will leave you with this. Friends, if you learn nothing else over my journey these past few years from all of my ramblings that's okay. However, I'm sending an extra prayer up to the Big Guy that something about this quote sticks - especially when you come up against someone who is driving you nuts, and you just don't have the patience for, or they are needy, or whatever (perhaps someone came to mind right now). This was Lisa's, the trainer, third slide in her presentation. It hit me at a deep level, filled my eyes with tears, and made me thank God for all those wonderful survivors that He has and will be placing on my path, and for making me one of these people as well! There is always a person in there NO MATTER WHAT! If some people didn't see this in me along the way I don't know where I'd be now. Thank you to those of you who never gave up on me - and still don't - even when I'm being completely ridiculous!

"If you look at the behavior (of borderlines, those with eating disorders, cutters, or _____) through a traumatic background, it makes perfect sense. If you've been abused for years, your entire organism and personality has been organized around your trauma. The way they act is understandable ...they are people trying to survive!!!!"

Lately I've been....

• wondering why I have the abilities I do in counseling others, but am super thankful I do.
• enjoying spending time with my roomie.
• hating reading again.
• trying to catch up on sleep.
• enjoying vegetarian potlucks with Zac.
• missing Jason like crazy.
• disappointed to discover that I can't come home in November because of school :(
• excited that Jason is coming to see me in less than 5 weeks for 10 days - a crying wife on the phone saying "I can't do this" can make anything happen let me tell you... including getting a boss to add on extra vacation time that one doesn't have.
• thinking about Kitty a lot and wishing she could be here with me.
• not eating out as much.
• working on me, and realizing that I am my own boss, not the other million people that surround me.
• trying to slowly make the switch to some organic products.
• breaking through others' expectations of me and it's been sooooo freeing to be angry about this!
• looking ahead and scaring myself at all there is to do between now and May.
• planning a support group for women sexual abuse survivors on campus that Erica and I will be leading together.
• seeing clients and it's been an energizing experience!
• so busy that I haven't even thought about my upcoming Disney trip in December (with that I just remembered that I need to book a flight from Moncton to DC - I'll be home for one week the first of January folks).
• walking to EMU and not driving since it's only about 10 minutes away.
• loving the space that Erica and I live in and can't wait for Jason to see it.
• not wanting to blog.
• trying to do things for me, and realize just how hard that is for me to pull off.
• enjoying coffee way too much.
• frustrated that my jeans are all too tight - I seriously haven't been able to stop eating since the cruise...it was so worth it though!
• nervous about my upcoming trauma training in Baltimore that starts tomorrow.
• wondering what I was thinking signing up for two yoga classes with Erica and Margaret that begin this week.
• thankful to be me overall. Walking down the street, being thankful to be alive, and surrounded by the beauty I am down here is such a wonderful feeling. I'm going in to a profession that touches me, and energizes me in a way that I can't vocalize and that my friends is great success if I do say so myself!

Check us out....

So I don't know why I'm so excited about this, but I am. Erica (my roommate) and I look so grown-up now :) Writing that short paragraph was one of the hardest things I've ever wrote believe it or not. What do you think????

Oh and sorry for the lack of posting...this semester is insane! To write more, or use my brain any more at the ed of the day to post something feels impossible for the most part. I'll see what I cna come up with this weekend for your reading enjoyment.

So hard to do/believe....

“This is my life and I have a right to live it according to what I want it to be, regardless of what others think it should be. This includes whatever path or course of action I take to develop myself as a whole person. I understand this may interfere with your life, but this is about ME.” Patty Hite

Classes update....

Sorry all for the lack of posting...if I can get through this semester of internship, classes, intense personal counseling, and being away from my husband I think I'll be able to actually pull of anything for the rest of my life :)

This semester I am at the EMU counseling center for 8 hours on Monday and Thursday seeing clients for internship. I saw five clients on Thursday, and boy was I nervous going in there. I hadn't counseled anyone all summer, and was worried that I had lost all that I acquired last semester. Good news is that I had an awesome day. It was one of those days where I just kept sitting back in awe. I can't explain this, but I felt it. I love how I've been made. I love my gifts, passions, and blessings. To be able to sit back and watch this beautiful masterpiece that is me come together in a way that I never thought possible still brings tears to my eyes. I can't wait to be a counselor, and bless others through all that He has equipped me with. In fact I look forward to doing this again on Monday. Hmmm this will be a good post to look back on someday when I'm tired, and want to give up.

Tuesday morning I'm at school from 8:45 to 6:00. In that time I have my internship supervision with four of my classmates, Marriage and Family, and Research (reminding me a lot of Research Methods and Stats only graduate level...yikes). Then on Wed classes start at 9:40, and we end at 4:40. In that time we have Advanced Diagnosis and Career Counseling. Career will be the death of me folks. I do not like it, but I'm trying. I'm trying to go into this with an open mind...it's sooooo hard though. Nothing in me wants to do career counseling with someone.

As for now I need to go to bed. My roomie and I are cleaning tomorrow and hitting the books. Hope everyone is well, and survived Hurricane Earl...or what Jason described as a rainy day :)

Wish me luck...

I'm off to my first day of classes.....possibly last time ever if I never go to school again....I'm not sure how I feel about this...anyways... Yes, 9 hours of classes today. I'm sure I'll be exhausted tonight. I'll post more about my journey at some point this week.

We had orientation yesterday, and I will admit it was great to be in the space again. As one of the profs did an introduction and welcome I could feel my eyes filling up with dears. I'm thinking it's going to be another one of "those" semesters :) Also the new class coming in seems great. It's important to our class that we welcome them, and are there for them because we felt like the second year students didn't embrace us and that sucked!

Off I go....I feel like someone should be behind me taking pictures as Erica and I walk to school!

This week I....

• said goodbye to Jason, and that painful moment is still replaying in my mind
• took a different route (other than 95) to head South into Harrisonburg - missed the excitement of NYC, but loved the beauty of New York State and Pennsylvania
• wondered if it ever stops raining in PA
• ate supper in Scarnton, but did not see Dunder Mifflin :(
• had a McD's hot fudge sundae...been a LONG time, and it was still delicious
• struggled with some relationships
• had a two hour counseling session
• lost at Settlers of Catan again
• celebrated our wedding anniversary without Jason
• tried Ellie's (April's daughter) Chocolate Fireworks Cake that she made
• was really thankful for friends who love and support me
• tried to let some stuff go, especially issues that we not really mine to begin with
• said "hi welcome, can I get your last name? I'm Erin and this is Erica and we are counseling interns in the counseling center this year. The counseling center is located right around the corner off the track in the Wellness Suite. Feel free to come talk to us if anything comes up in your life no matter how big or small because as a student you get 8 free sessions. Also just to let you know, I'll be sending you an email in the next month or so just to say hi and check and see how the semester is going." about 200 times and Erica did the same... we better get some clients out of this :) oh and I now have an EMU staff t-shirt which will be filling the new role of a team building exercise night shirt...hee hee hee
• have been having some wonderful dreams - do note sarcasm here please
• was excited to discover that Zac loves Big Brother as much as I do
• missed Erica the one night she wasn't here, and have had to adjust to roommate living... apparently it's weird to ask to use someone's coffee pot?? I don't know...going from daughter to wife to roommate was a little backwards I think
• have been thinking about my good buddies Mandi and Greg a lot and really struggling with not being there for the birth of their newest son Levi Thomas - welcome to the world precious little one, and I look forward to all of the wonderful things that Jason will teach you :)
• have thought about Troopie, Kitty, and Alpine a lot!
• paid EMU way too much money
• have been impressed with my little car
• made a commitment to walk to EMU every time I need to go (it's only about 10 minutes but every little bit counts)
• am trying to buy local and organic....see I figure if I start it while I'm down here and things are cheaper it won't be so bad when I move back there to make the adjustment
• realized how much I missed Harrisonburg and all its beauty and people
• wished I had a church to go to on Sunday that I liked and wondered if the Pool could temporarily relocate
• have been trying to enjoy my last few days of freedom before the insanity of my last year of grad school begins...Erica said it feels like there's a great storm in the distance that we know is coming and there's nothing we can do about it, and I have to say that's exactly how I feel....orientation is on Monday....here I go head first!!!

Today is....

... a day that I need A LOT of your love and prayers

...a day that I want to go by really quickly

...a day that I've got lots of stuff planned to keep me busy, but also have a date with a close friend tonight in case I can't carry the weight much longer at that point

...a day that I will never forget

...a day that is causing conflicting emotions of joy and sorrow

...sorrowful because I'm 19 hours away

...joyful because it was on this day, 6 years ago, that I married my best friend, the love of my life, the most perfect person for me to spend the rest of my life with

...our anniversary....Happy Anniversary baby! I love you more than I could ever even try to get across in this blog post. Missing you loads, and wish you were here, or I was there, or we were in Disney together :)

Back in the USA...

I guess I'll start this post off by being honest. Something in me has not wanted to write on this blog since I got back down here late Monday night. Perhaps it's because I'm feeling very conflicted about a lot of things. Perhaps it's because I want to remain in denial that I've got an intense semester coming. Who knows!

With that though, in case you haven't heard, April and I made the 19 hour drive on Monday alive and are still friends. We had a fun trip, and it actually didn't feel like 19 hours at all. We were certainly getting quite silly by the end of it. The thing that I'm still shocked about is that with meals,, gas, and coffee the whole trip only cost about $100. Is that not insane when you compare it to the $700 that I pay to fly home??? I would never do that trip by myself though, so if I don't have a driving buddy I will be flying home regardless of the price.

Hmmmmm so pros of being back in Harrisonburg, Virginia:

- I have a new car down here

- I love living with a close friend, in a cute place (pictures to come) that is only a 10 minute walk to the school

- I'm hoping to join the free gym at EMU, and take pilates with Margaret and Erica

- I'll be entering my final semesters of becoming a counselor (CRAZY!!!)

- getting reconnected with everyone that I want to reconnect with

- trivia nights

- warm weather, and beautiful mountains

- cheap gas, groceries, and going out to eat (makes it hard to cook meals at home)

- my neighborhood now has Erica, Zac, Margaret, Trevor, and Christian in it

- being able to get counseling with my counselor face to face as opposed to the phone

cons:

- no Jason

- no Trooper, Kitty, or Alpine

- no Moncton buddies

- no Pool

- going to need to start reading way too much

- the thought of writing a research paper makes me want to crawl into a hole

- being forced to see people that I would be okay never seeing again

- feeling lonely at times (this is why I need animals around)

I think that's enough of the cons, this is getting depressing :)

Seriously though I am happy to be back, but saying goodbye to Jason was even harder this time, and that is super weird for me because I thought it would be easier! Or maybe it was about the same, but the sting is still too fresh for me to realize this. Regardless I'm looking forward to counseling tomorrow where I'll have a safe place to grieve, and process where I'm at. After that perhaps there will be a more coherent blog post.

Thanks to you all for your continued love and support. Ready to track my adventures, and insanity for another year?? I sure hope so....

Poor little boy...

This is my poor, pathetic puppy that had blood work one today. It's actually quite cute, but he's milking it for sure :) Trooper started vomiting a couple of nights ago and has done so off and on - it's been a delight to clean all of this up let me tell you, especially when it's been in our bed twice. Anyways, after getting us up twice in the middle of the night, which he never does, for issues with the other end we decided to take him to the vet. She thinks it's pancreatitis, which is good because it's an easy fix. The crappy thing is that they needed to do blood work to determine this, very expensive blood work at that. I was hesitant, but I'm not allowed to mess around with "daddy's boy", so gave in. We get the blood results tomorrow. In the mean time he's on a diet of hamburger and rice. It was strange cooking for my dog today. Good news is the vomiting has stopped, but we've had diarrhea blowouts seven times so far today (only one of which has been in the house while I was at an appointment so I couldn't get upset). Feel free to pray for this little guy. I think he's on the mend with the diet we currently have him on though. I just can't imagine anything happening to Jason's little buddy, especially wiht me leaving in a week :(

Current struggle...

Remember my post about the residue? Well here is a quote that sums my current stuck point VERY well! Thanks to all of your love, support, and encouragement. I know some of you are benefiting from my posts, and can relate. I'm sad that that is the case for you, but I'm also thanking you for this great gift. It can be a dark, lonely road on this path. So the gift you have given me is to give a voice to what I'm going through, because I don't know where I'd be without the stories and support of those who have gone before me - just passing the torch here folks :)

"The child who expresses feelings that her family cannot afford to face is the enemy in that family's view of what it needs to survive. They treat her as if it's "her or them", and she believes it. Sadly the adult that she becomes often treats the child inside with the same disregard and repressive attitudes that the adults that surrounded her did." E. Sue Blum

Very cool....

I remember hearing this in class one day, and having my eyes fill up with tears as I listened. Jason found it quite interesting as well and emailed it to me this morning. Check it out....especially those of you who have a passion for children with special needs!

www.wimp.com/boyinterviews/

Inward journey...

Cars smars....

I HATE cars, those of you who are close to me know how much they annoy me. Anyways, we've been doing some shuffling around in our driveway lately, and I think we're finally at a great, affordable place for our family.

I had this sucker (1996 Honda Civic) at school last. I've got to say this car has lasted longer than either of us could have hoped for. Jason bought it before we even knew each other - about 10 years ago - and we have just now decided that it is no longer reliable enough for us. Yes, it's in GREAT shape for it's age, but with us living as far from town as we do and me needing to travel to Baltimore from Harrisonburg next semester a lot by myself we decided we needed 2 reliable cars. So we are in the process of selling this bad boy. In fact, as I type this Jason is in the driveway with someone who is looking at it. We are both already grieving the loss of this car, but with that will not miss its lack of air conditioning and oil eating abilities.

This car, 2007 Saturn Vue, (this isn't exactly our car - same color but we had the chrome package) seemed like a good idea at the time, but now we're just thankful to have it gone. We leased this one, had a lot of repairs that needed to be done, and were in the process of going over in our kilometers now that we don't live in town. So in order to preserve our kilometers, since we knew we didn't want to buy the car at the end of our lease, Jason bought the next car.

This 2009 Hionda Civic (the boy loves his Civics and I have to say he's getting me hooked as well) was purchased by us in December. I've had fun zipping around in it this summer I will admit. Good news also is that I will be bringing this one back down to Virginia.

So we've had lots of different scenarios in our head this summer, which lead to way too many discussions. However, we finally came to an agreement that everyone is happy with. We returned the Vue on Thursday - after getting GM to eat about 2000 dollars of our leftover lease payments - and Jason's dream came true. The boy wanted a truck. I have no idea why and I was completely against it. However, they just happened to have one when we went to GM that was a great price, and I actually liked it. It's spacious and fun! Ladies and gentlemen I now introduce to you Jason's new baby, a 2007 Chevy Colorado. Oh dear, now I'm never getting out of Hillsborough am I?

In the moment...

"The work of healing is like finding, sorting, and putting together the pieces of an ancient pot. The work is often tedious, and some of the slivers may be sharp and dangerous. The result, is a beautiful object, elegant in form and function, and in the tale it tells of its creation. If put together carefully, it will also be water tight and can be filled with good things." Richard Moskovitz

As I read this I think "boy oh boy isn't that the truth, and I am so thankful I am doing this". However if I sat here and left it at that I'd be lying, because with that I feel something else. I feel this part of me, the cynic lets call it, that screams and pulls with all of its might telling me that I will never make it. It tells me to give up, because I've been cut too many times by the slivers and there are more to come. Even if I do get water tight it's hard to imagine that I will be filled with good things, especially when all that has come out of this mouth of mine from deep within are bad things that have been done to me. How does one feel good about themselves with this? How do I get to the place where I accept my abuse - which I have - and also feel like I'm a good person? I want to feel like no matter what others think it's there opinion. I want others' opinions to not matter at all to me. Instead though, I'm constantly stuck in downward spirals of others' issues. Issues that are projected on me in some horrible way, and I then take them on as truth causing me to chip away at the pot that I've been so carefully trying to put back together.

I was at a leadership conference this week. During the conference we were given a few moments to think of something that we need help with. Something that we need in order to become better leaders. I'm sure some were feeling like they needed a bigger office, more workers, or something to that effect. I, however, quickly realized that I need to feel like a good person or I'm never going to make it in this world.

Sounds like such a simple realization doesn't it? Sounds like something that I've known about myself for a while huh? Truth is this moment hit me like a ton of bricks. My stomach got tight, tears filled my eyes, and I was shocked at just how much I hate myself. This is the next scary step I will take - admitting this and working on it in counseling. I'm realizing that sometimes the crippling flashbacks aren't so crippling after all. In fact, they've become a safe haven that I feel comfortable revealing as weird as that seems to type. The residue that's left behind is what is scary. A flashback was a moment, the residue is a lifetime. So my friends, here's to the next part of this long winding road, a road that I will not give up on. Although it's a road that has thrown me in all directions and feels never ending, I know it's a road that will take me to my water tight pot. And this pot I picture to be a beautiful mosaic of all that's happened in my world.