Day 2....

Funny how I'm not so excited to rush home and write when things aren't all perfect and wonderful. I didn't have bad day today by any means (my allergies are horrible today though so that sucks). However I don't have the energy high that I did yesterday.

My whole way home (you know all 5-8 minutes of it) I was trying to think of what I was going to say that can sum up today. Basically this morning's class of Counselling Techniques made me smile. This class is taught by a male prof who reminds me so much of Tom Snowdon (well one that's in touch with his feelings... ha ha ha). So the little girl in me was crying out to him and wanting him to love me and accept me. Funny how I still struggle with this when I meet genuine, awesome men who could play a fatherly role for me. Perhaps something to investigate yet again :) Anyways he really got us to focus on ourselves. He got us to do multiple exercises that required us to think about us and where we're at. All the while encouraging us to set that aside (not for good but for the moment) because when you're sitting across from clients (it's still weird to me that I'm going to have clients some day) you can't have this stuff affecting what you're saying and how you're helping them obviously. Now those exercises were interesting and got me to think. However because he read this poem at the beginning I was done after that. This poem, and you all know I don't usually connect to poetry, somehow summed up a lot of the things that I was feeling.

The poem was all about a man who was in the missions field and how he not only missed home but was struggling because there was "nothing of himself in this country". I get teary just typing those words again. Yes, I'm only 20 hours from home. However I am in another country. Although it's only America there are so many freaking differences here it's insane. Some are cool, some are weird, but different nonetheless. It's really really hard for me sometimes. I keep telling myself that things are going to be okay and I know they are but in this moment I was about to freaking loose it. I was dissociating by thinking about cleaning my room of all things, I was biting my lip to inflict pain and when that wasn't enough I started pinching myself. You know all things that I should never be admitting to people right now. However if you're ever going to grow people admittance is the first step because now all of you can ask me how I'm doing with this... great! :)

Then my moment that I'm not so proud of, there's a woman in my classes who is from Brazil and as soon as that poem stopped she lost it. I mean uncontrollable nasty cry. I was so relieved that she did it and not me. I was able to stuff my emotions and listen and respond to her in the ways that she needed support in that moment. How healthy is that? Grrrrrrr. He was so gracious in that moment and just let her be where she was at. He sat right in front of her and didn't say a thing. It was amazing to see. Part of me longed for that moment of healing and freedom, however I was still grateful that it was her and not me.

So after she calmed down we all had to walk in silence down three floors to the therapy room and pick out a toy that was symbolic to us, meet as a group and wlak back up to class. I thought, okay good no one will ever know and I'll just be able to pull myself together on this little trip. Well didn't one of the moms in the group quickly come and put her arm around me and ask me how I was feeling. My first thought was I wanted to hit her and ask what part of silence she didn't understand. That quickly got suppressed by intense crying and tears. I just looked at her and said nothing because I knew I couldn't and I knew I didn't need to since she could see how I was feeling in that moment. I pulled it together as best I could in that moment and on the way back up to class, we were still supposed to be in silence at this point, another one of my friends did the same thing, grrrrrrr.

I feel like because I didn't respond in a healthy way it kind of set the tone for me for the rest of the day. I went to chapel and it was different and neat but it was still just okay. I ate lunch with people who wanted to know what I was doing for lunch and it was okay. Everything from that point on was just okay when it should have been cool. I got to go to chapel and sing hymns that I don't know, but want to learn, and I love singing. People where asked to share some moments where they've seen God lately and it was cool. I had people ask me what I was doing for lunch, therefore meaning that I'm getting friends. I should have been elated but it was still just okay.

So Erin what do you do now? Well I can tell you that I went up to those two gals who I responded horrible to in their moments of care and apologized. I told them my struggles with crying and how it's something that I've been working on for a while now and still don't seem to understand why I still fight those tears that emerge at times. I am well aware that this task could have been completely avoided if I would have just went with the moment instead of shutting down. I also gave them permission to push me next time and not let me walk away because that's what I did in both situations. I also have had a huge realization that I'm in classes each week with 20 other people just like me. I mean sure we all have our differences. However at the end of the day they are going to check in on me just like I have checked in on all of you so many times. I honestly didn't have that constantly in Moncton, aside from Jason, except when I chose it. So all of you who I have tormented and made talk over the past few years can be thankful that you have got revenge on me now :)

I also last night emailed the campus counsellor to set up some sessions. How can I go through getting my Masters in Counselling without getting counselling myself? I can't! So I'm off to meet with him tomorrow morning (thank goodness). I'm super excited about this. It will be a fresh start and a new experience.

So friends that's my report on today. It was just okay. Not because of profs, friends, or God. It was just okay because I made a stupid choice first thing this morning in class that weighed heavy on my heart all day. I'm going to try to live more deliberately and be in the moment no matter what that looks like and how scary that sounds. Wow I just took a really deep breath :)